


Through Red Fog

by Noonez_Trash



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angry Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Angst, Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Deserves Better, Connor Needs A Hug, Depressed Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Help, Larry Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Being an Asshole, My First Work in This Fandom, POV Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Sad Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, and a therapist, and all of the words that equal Connor Murphy, and angry, angry and sad, angst with no comfort, im sorry, the murphy house is a wreck, this is sad?, to connor anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:22:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23642269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noonez_Trash/pseuds/Noonez_Trash
Summary: "Larry had said something, he doesn't remember what. Maybe something about school, Or was it drugs? He couldn't remember but it made him angry and somehow hurt. And then he was screaming words that don't even register in his brain before they leave his mouth."-Connor watches his own anger explode before he can stop the fire at the wick.-this is written like Connor is watching himself do all of this, i forgot the word someone help me
Relationships: Connor Murphy & Cynthia Murphy, Connor Murphy & Larry Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Cynthia Murphy/Larry Murphy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	Through Red Fog

**Author's Note:**

> !WARNING! this fic contains suicidal thoughts and fights between Larry and Connor. It also slightly goes over self harm, be safe! 
> 
> I dont know why i wrote this, enjoy

Larry had said something, he doesn't remember what. Maybe something about school, Or was it drugs? He couldn't remember but it made him angry and somehow hurt. And then he was screaming words that don't even register in his brain before they leave his mouth. Then his dad looks angry. Or maybe he's disappointed.   
It's like he's not even in his body, it's like he's floating above the fight and watching it over his own shoulder. He hates it because he can't feel anything.

The screams, the curses, the venomous words fling themselves out of his mouth before he can grab hold of them and keep them inside. 

His dad's loud authoritative voice tries to speak over him which just causes the anger to boil over more; like they were the fire pushing this forward. 

He doesn't feel his hands roll into fists until one of them slams into the wall and even then he can't feel the pain that should be accompanied by slamming your hand into a wall.

From his perch over his own shoulder, watching like it's the movie of the month, he sees his mother standing off to the side afraid and covering her mouth. Zoe looks at him in disgust and fear and then she leaves the room in a hurry. 

He wishes he can grab the reins connected to his brain and stop the fiery monster from tearing down the whole house but they have long been cut short and out of his reach.

Through the red fog of his brain, Cynthia says something around the lines of 'stop' which makes everything scream to what he hopes is a halt, but then Larry stomps his foot down at the same time. His skin screams and itches and then his fingernails tear themselves into his arms but he can't feel it burn. All he can feel is the storm in his head.

The cloud in his vision smooths out long enough to flee to his room. He barely hears the door slam behind him when his face collides into his pillows.   
He's back in his own body now which is almost worse. He can feel it now, the throbbing of his fist because he punched the wall, the sting of the scratches he tore into his skin, the buzzing in his brain. The sensations all come back like a punch to his gut, his hands shake and his eyes sting. He can feel his sweat drip down his back. He tries to stop and think about why his eyes sting, and oh it's because his eyes are leaking tears down to his cheeks. 

Then the tears can't stop and his whole body shakes and instead of sobs, he screams. He screams to try to keep the fog away he screams because he hurts. But the fog's back and instead of curling up into a ball on his bed he's up and shoving his things to the ground. He grabs a glass and doesn't think before chucking it at the wall connecting his room to Zoe's. He hears her whimper in fear from behind the wall and he freezes.

No no no no, not again. He made her scared again, but shit he can't just stop throwing his shit around the room because if he did he doesn't know what else he'd do. His skin tingles and eyesight blurs. his hands are in his hair when his knees give out and he falls to the floor and sobs. 

He can't do anything without the stupid fucking fog taking over and burning the world around him to the ground so he doesn't do anything except cry and sob on his floor. 

He hears his parents begin to yell at each other downstairs and his name being passed back and forth between the two of them. He hears Zoe turn her music on high volume which was a good indicator that she was starting to cry two and that hurt more. It hurt because it was all his fault. Fuck. 

Why did every day have to end this way? 

If he wasn’t here they would be allowed to be happy. Zoe would be able to walk around the house without being scared, she'd bring her friends over and they'd all laugh together. His parents would stop fighting, his family would be able to have a happy family dinner that didn't end in screaming. Cynthia wouldn't resort to drinking wine at one in the afternoon and Larry would come home from work more.

His thoughts spiraled farther and farther through the deep suffocating black hole his brain resided in while his body shook and tears soaked his carpet below him. The thoughts pushed him to stand up on shaky legs and to the bathroom. The door softly clicked behind him and he locked it. 

Looking up he made eye contact with himself in the mirror and watched himself pry it open to get to the cabinet behind it. With shaking hands he grabbed the bottle and the pills inside clacked against each other. He closed his eyes and pulled the cap off and sighed out a breath. He was about to dump a handful into his hand when he heard his mom’s sad voice. Fuck. 

he caps the bottle and shoves it back into the cabinet before sinking to the floor and rests on the door. He closes his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> if anyone see this fic and says " I wish it had this tag" please comment the tag and I'll be able to fix and add the needed tags to the story!


End file.
